More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
