i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
