She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
