I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
