The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
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I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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