Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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