Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
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Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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