Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
