my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
