Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
