my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
