Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
