He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
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She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
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I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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