I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
