Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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