if only i could text you this smell
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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