Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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