3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just had sex on a roof
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.