i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
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He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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