How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
