the condom got lost in my hair
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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