dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
