And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
