I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
