Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
