So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
