she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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