i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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