I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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