Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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