two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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