So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
