I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
