Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
