can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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