Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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