WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
