doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
