I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
