Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
