You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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