Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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