i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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