I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
