Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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