did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
