I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
