he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
50% drunk capacity currently
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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