home. puking in laundry basket.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
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Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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