Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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