They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
