Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
