i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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