I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
