You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
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So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
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