I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
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you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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