At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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